Letting go of our relationship fears…

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Uploaded by  on Oct 27, 2008

http://www.LetFearGo.com – Letting Go and overcoming anxiety is an inspirational message about taking control of your life at a time when many people are worried. Let go of anger. Let go of your pain. Let go of the past. Stress relief is easy when you let go.

As a child, I was extremely shy. I did not connect with many people unless they talked to me first. I can remember my mother getting a call from one of my elementary grade teachers asking if everything was going well at home. At the time, I remember thinking-“If she only knew how hard it is to make friends when I know we will probably have to move again before the school year comes to an end. My mother always struggled and it was not long after we would find a new apartment to rent, she would not be able to keep up with the bills. I had a friend in the fourth grade, and I can remember visiting her home after she fell and broke her arm during recess. I was so upset about the incident that her parents decided to bring me to their house for dinner. I never saw such a lovely home. It was not something I had ever seen. My grandparents lived in a little four room house and we never lived in a big house. I admired the crystal door knobs that adorned their many doors, and have dreamed of having a home with crystal door knobs. One day my husband put a beautiful crystal door knob on my office door and told me he never forgot the time I talked about those crystal door knobs!

I believe my unstable childhood affected my decisions in choosing friends. I have a few close friends who I know will always be there for me no matter what the circumstance. And  I will always be here for them. I care very deeply for people and will do anything to help when help is needed, but my close friends are few. I know it was fear that kept me from making friends, and now I do not allow fear to dictate my decisions in life.

First, it is important to acknowledge that fear is a significant barrier in relationships, from getting a new friendship started, or whether you start contacts and conversations, to whether or not relationships are well maintained once they have been established.

Second, there is an absolute need to accept that no matter what degree of apprehension a person feels about initiating a relationship, emotionally taking a deep breath, making the first effort, and then continuing to practice relationship skill-building is the best prescription to overcome the fear. There are eight potential approaches for initiating relationships (Alberts, 2007; Adler, 2001; Huffman, 2010).

  • 1. Finding Commonalities: Have you ever noticed how we strive to make connections? Someone you meet for the first time says, “I’m from Toledo.” Then, you respond enthusiastically, “Oh, yes. My family passed by there once on the turnpike on our way to Chicago.” We naturally look for similarities and links, in particular if we’d like to establish a relationship.
  • 2. Showing Involvement: “Well, fancy meeting you here.” When someone wants to establish a relationship with you, they will find ways to cross paths with you. Yes, it may be contrived, but it is one way to start a conversation. Have you done that, too?
  • 3. Welcoming Involvement: We go out of our way to participate in activities the other person enjoys, even if we’re really not enthused about it. “I’m open. What would you like to do?”
  • 4. Listening Well: For relationships to be effective, it is important to be very attentive to what is being said. This includes the ability for thoughtful listening, as well as giving the speaker genuine affirmations like “Ah, huh,” “Sure,” and “I understand,” in a way that will encourage them to continue.
  • 5. Being Polite: In short, this means being unselfish. There is a too common tendency in our culture to jump in too quickly. This relationship-building skill says, “I won’t interrupt or cut them off.” Being polite means you’re willing to wait for the one speaking to finish.
  • 6. Giving Approval: Offering up a compliment, appropriately, is another form of affirmation. You listen. You hear. You’re able to say things like, “Boy, I like that approach,” or “That’s good,” or “You must have had to practice a long time to get it just right.” These sorts of comments will endear you to the speaker, and give them incentive to listen to you when it’s your turn.
  • 7. Giving Encouragement: Along with approving comments, follow-up questions continue to encourage conversation and interest. “Can you tell me what it took to make that happen?” “Were you able to finish the project?” “Did you ever see her again?” Your expression of interest in getting the whole story conclusively communicates that you’re able to honestly have interest in someone else’s life.
  • 8. Presenting Positively: We try to make a good impression. Therefore, when it’s our turn to speak, having made our “good listener” investment, we’re more likely to get the same quality of investment from our listener. Presenting positively, however, does not give you a blank check for speaking when you are in the initiating stage of establishing a new relationship. You should be willing to be open, but not too deep.

 (Alberts, 2007; Adler, 2001; Huffman, 2010).


4 thoughts on “Letting go of our relationship fears…

    1. Jesus is our hope. God wants us to seek him and he will carry our burdens. God will bring joy in the morning.
      You, like many of us are a prime candidate for God’s power to shine through and show the world what God can do. Bring it all to the cross.. Through the blood of Jesus- you will be set free. Your life will be changed. Your children will be blessed and serve a mighty king!



  1. My husband found it very hard to make friends after coming home from VietNam…I thought it was because we stayed in my hometown…not his…But in the last years he has admitted that he was afarid of something happening to people he grew to like…or love…He had seen many of his comrads (friends) die …So our reasons can be found out…if we look closely enough…I find it quite sad for him…because he has literally made ME his best friend…

    1. I understand how you feel. My husband lost a lot of close family members and I am his best friend too. Thank God he has you. We are often times our husband’s all in all…. God made us woman very special. We are their help-meet and so much more..


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